WILL You Stop Talking, Men?

A Perilous Presidential Debate Comedy

I knew it was going to be a tough evening. I had already started getting nervous for the debate by about 4:30 that day. I decided to help myself get through it by making some fun junk food for dinner, having a couple drinks to tamp down my anger, and gamify the event with some debate bingo. That oughtta work. The magic trifecta of junk food, booze, and fun…right?

Since it was “taco Tuesday,” I was in for Mexican food. Over my happy hour Border Crossing* I started on dinner. The Hubs had suggested nachos, but too late, I discovered we were low on tortilla chips. Luckily, I found a bag of Doritos in the pantry and I knew I’d hit the jackpot. Orange food to watch President Cheeto, what could be more fitting? I just LOVE a theme.

Layering up the Nacho Doritos,** I serenaded the kitchen with some 90s grunge (Boomers= that noise your kids listened to, Millennials= the classic alternative station music, Gen Z=retro music your parents get stupid excited about, GenX= the angsty music of your youth) and made quick work of my drink. Me and the fam thoroughly enjoyed our loaded Doritos and chatted about the debate to come.

After dinner, the hubs and kids tried out an online game (Among Us, it’s hot, check it out), I headed to my office and downloaded 6 different debate bingo cards. Some were pretty straightforward with squares labeled things like: Obama, China, Russia, Supreme Court, RBG. But I was able to find a couple with more fun bingo squares, such as “Come on, man,” “Candidate storms off stage,” and “Candidate shouts over the moderator.” Too bad there was only one square for the shouting, but I’m jumping ahead. Call it foreshadowing.  

I gathered markers and we all got our favorite beverages to head to the TV. I switched to RBV (Red Bull + Vodka) at this point, which it turns out was a rather poor choice. It’s delicious, alright, but I did NOT need any more increase in blood pressure before watching a 90 minute screaming match.

From the array of channel options, we landed on NBC and settled in to get to know our bingo cards. I figured this was going to be fun. Well maybe not fun, but at least not terrible or you know, debilitating. For the first two minutes, I was impressed that Trump seemed polite and collected and Biden seemed alert and sharp in his crisp blue and white ensemble.

Then things went to shit.

I switched to rum and coke—faster to make while dashing from TV to bar—and tried to focus on the bingo game. My tween daughter won with the card that had “shouts over moderator.” Don’t be shocked. After about 20 minutes or 3 hours, hard to tell, Wallace asked about filling seats on the Supreme Court and both candidates were shouting. I don’t remember it too clearly, though, as my mind morphed into a cloud of red misty anger when Trump boasted that he’d filled so many judge’s seats because Obama and Biden “left him” with 128 open seats. As a recovering lawyer, that really set me off. You see, our favorite Senate turtle/politician Mitch had refused to hold hearings on more than just US Supreme Court seats during Obama’s presidency, he also refused to move on MANY federal court openings. This is why there were so many judgeships open, not because Obama/Biden failed to nominate qualified candidates.

I was so steamed by this disgusting mischaracterization, and the taunting way in which it was delivered, that I upended my writing tray and bingo cards, scattering it all across the floor. I had to flee to the bathroom to breathe and literally splash cold water on my face to calm down. Only then—after refreshing my rum—could I stand to head back to the TV.

The rest of the debate got a bit hazy, although I remember pleading for a commercial break to pause the mental pain. The high point for me was when Biden wished for Trump to shut up. I think I must have been back at the rum counter when Wallace admonished Trump for being the one to interrupt more often. That part must have been somewhat cathartic.

My point is that choices were made, they didn’t help, and I paid for it all day Wednesday. If there are more debates, perhaps I’ll try getting on the exercise bike while I watch so I can at least let my anger fuel some cycling miles. That would be a much healthier way to handle the stress, if my head didn’t explode from the increased heart rate.

At any rate, I am sad that the debate was such a debacle that I needed Netflix to soothe my fiery rage. Next time I will know that my trifecta of fun is no match for old white guys shouting while making a mockery of our government. At least I’ll always have the Dorito-nachos.

If you are also a fan of Doritos, like my fam, check out this custom cursor. And no mater what, DON’T FORGET TO

*Border Crossing: Cocktail with tequila, coke, lime and lemon juice. I swear to you this has nothing to do with Trump’s immigration policies and everything to do with how much I love tequila.

**Loaded Nachos:  

1. Spread tortilla chips (or Doritos!) on a cookie sheet.
2. Add a thin layer of shredded cheese—I use the Mexican 4-cheese blend from Costco.
3. Add some variety of cooked ground beef, shredded chicken or beans if you’re meat-free.
4. Add sliced black olives, chopped onions, chopped tomatoes, and cilantro if you like it.
5. Add a bit more shredded cheese on top to make everything stay put.
6. Bake the whole mess for about 12-15 minutes on 425, or until it’s as browned as you want.
7. Serve topped with sour cream and salsa.

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